Eluterius

Brigitte, 2004-03-27

These are allegedly ACTUAL answers from recent State exams in England and Wales....amazingly not Ireland!





- English





Define the word “monotony.”


Monotony is being married to the same person all your life.





Use the word “judicious” in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.


Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.





What does the word “benign” mean?


Benign is what you will be after you be eight.





What is the correct use of a semi-colon?


Only to be used as a last resort, a semi-colon is a partial removal of the intestines.





- Technology





What is a turbine?


Something an Arab wears on his head.





- -History





What is the highest award for valour in war in Britain?


Nelson´s column.





-Religious Instruction





Who did not welcome the return of the prodigal son?


The fatted calf.





What is a Hindu?


It lays eggs.





Name some famous pilgrimages.


Muslims used to go to Gamages but now it is closed. Christians still go on pilgrimage to Lord°s.





- Geography





Name the four seasons.


Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.





What is the equator?


A menagerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.





Name a greenhouse gas. What could be done to decrease global warming?


Cows make large amounts of methane when they fart. This could be reduced by fitting them with catalytic converters.





Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.


Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.





How is dew formed?


The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.





What is a planet?


A body of earth surrounded by sky.





What causes the tides in the oceans?


The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum.


I forget where the sun joins in this fight.





What is a fossil?


A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.





- Biology





What happens to your body as you age?


When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.





What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?


He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.





Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.


Premature death.






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